Science and the Death of Helicopter Parenting

I wonder if some parents do this not to shelter their child but to live vicariously through them for something they somehow missed when they grew to adulthood.

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Well put!

Now, if we can just stop our helicopter government.

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I think this post just described one of my good friends….she so does this…pulls them out of every situation that you could possibly learn from…yiyiyiyi second blog post I have read today dealing with parents and their skillz

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If there's anything I can take kudos for, it's building this up with my children. I not only stress responsibilities with my children, I have, ever since they were very little, given them choices – and made them live with the consequences of their choices. If you never fall down. If you never mess up, how do you learn anything?

I personally think a parent who doesn't prepare a child for adulthood and responsibility is negligent.

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Lately I've noticed another trend…helicopter parents who are out to get your kid to make sure he/she doesn't get in their kid's way. I saw it at my daughter's highly-competitive dance studio, naturally…stage-moms are the proverbial helicopter parents. But now I see it in the public schools, in sports, in every-day activities…the kid's "best friend" is his or her mom, and the mom boasts of the "close" relationship the two have. These parents are going to make sure their kid has everything he/she needs to suceed in life by giving said kid every opportunity possible…to the point where the kids does little for him/herself and, therefore, learns little.

And these kids DO do well in life…because their parents continue to do things for them well into adulthood. Mommy never goes away.

My kids get irritated with me because I always tell them, "I'll fight WITH you, but I won't fight FOR you." As for their opportunities, I tell them where they are, help them with the getting there, and turn them loose; it's for them to succeed and fail.

My kids also complain that I am not like the other moms and so-and-so's mom is so nice and does all these things for their kid and yada yada yada. I've been accused of being a lazy and neglectful parent. I figure if my kids are not willing to work for something on their own, then it's not worth doing and I'm not going to spend my time/life/energy pulling them through it. If they sink, well, the sink. In our current society where everyone is special and no one is supposed to fail, I'm considered cruel. But, hopefully, my kids will have a work ethic, a brain, and the ability to take care of themselves.

Life, liberty, and the PURSUIT of…not mommy gives it to you….

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Oh, and I should have said, I *have* and *do* step in and advocate/protect/work for my kid when it is appropriate. I certainly have not "thrown them to the wolves." The key word is "appropriate." In a helicopter parent's mind, doing EVERYTHING for their kid is appropriate. In my case…well, stepping in when a teacher is abusing said kid and turning family in for educational neglect is appropriate; stepping in when child gets a failing grade for a test because she didn't go make it up when the teacher told her to, inappropriate (as one of my daughters just found out this year).

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This is why I still love a quote from one of my college professors that I also shared over at Free-Range Kids: "You aren't raising children. You're raising future adults." Or something along those lines.

It's hard to let go sometimes, but so necessary.

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"I’ll take raising a strongly independent child who does not need me, any day."

Me too.

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I wish my ex mother in law had read this.

I have been struggling with this issue since my daughter started school. The teacher sends homework home every night which I am supposed to do with my daughter. My kid is in 1st grade. I don't mind checking her homework when she is finished but I don't want to sit with her during the whole exercise and explain what needs to be done to complete the homework. I was taken to task when my daughter failed to return a library book. As far as I am concerned I shouldn't be hearing about these small things on a daily basis, and since the teacher sends home a flyer every day I do hear about it. The only time my parents talked to one of my teachers was if I got into trouble or for the yearly parent/teacher conference. It's frustrating.

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I have one word with helicopter parents- Prison!! You would not believe how many grown men I deal with on a daily basis who call mommy as soon as something unpleasant happens. And then if I have to deal with the unpleasantness by placing them on restriction I get "You can't treat me this way I'm a grown-ass man!" Well if you are such a grown man then quit calling your mama every time you screw up! Gack!!

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My thoughts echo Dr. Dads comment. I observe the "vicarious living behavior" in my office with great frequency.

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Vicarious living through dentistry? Now, that's a new one.

But I do know what you mean. Maybe that's why I don't get these parents–I have NO desire to relive my childhood. I rather like being an adult.

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"Cozy parent-child relationships go bust when kid realizes that parent intentionally stifled his growth. And he will." Wholehearted agreement on this. I look forward to reading the article. Thanks.

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Dang it…I never got a helicopter when I was a kid…

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I'm sharing and stumbling this. Great post. I know these mothers and I dread how their children will turn out.

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My mother-in-law actually refers to the children starting school as "sending them in to the jungle", she says it with a mournful cluck of her tongue. When she lived in our neighborhood she'd call me when it was raining or cold to try to pressure me in to keeping the kids home. Because of rain.

I do tend to fret when my kids are stressed or worried, but never to the point where I intervene. I advise when I can, which of course goes largely ignored most of the time, but sometimes it lays a seed of thought that's useful. I try to let them come to their own conclusions most of the time and make sure they know they've got to live with the results of their choices no matter what. Good to know that stress is prepping them to be functioning adults. Also further evidence that my MIL's theories are as wacky as her own life decisions.

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It's early yet but I think I'm not a helicopter. I have to stop my MIL from stopping my kids from experimenting by eating mud or play-dough or sand. I mean, how else are they going to learn that it tastes bad and they don't want to do it again? She acts like her neighborhood mud is toxic waste, and god forbid the kids get dirty or pick up a slimy leaf. Sigh. I have learned a lot about why my husband is the way he is watching her 'protect' my kids. And I have watched my kids learn quite well who to turn to to carry them or do something for them they don't want to do themselves. It sure ain't me.

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My husband and I have been discussing this topic recently. Especially with the trend of parents choosing to hold their children back a year before starting kindergarten. Mainly so that their child will not get 'discouraged' or because they 'may not adjust', and that waiting a year would be better.
It's a huge dilemma in our house (and daughter's preschool) at the moment.
Like you, we believe that responsibility needs to be learned. And exposing children at an young age is important for them to learn the tools to deal with stress in the years to come.

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I remember being in a shopping centre with my brother and his family. He'd given his ten-year old son his allowance, and the boy wanted to buy something that was really junky. My brother kept telling him he couldn't, even though it was what his son really wanted. I took my brother aside and said, "The money is his now, isn't it? Maybe he has a right to buy junk, and find out the difference between a good purchase and a bad one." So he finally let the boy do what he wanted with his money.

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I don't understand parents training their children to live in their basements.

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I love vicariously through my firstborn. She's smart, successful, compassionate, witty and has her company paying for her graduate education. Thank God she's the whole enchilada because the subsequent 5 all have their strong points but if I'm going to live a fantasy life it needs to be spectacular.

Joking aside, all kids are different but if we haven't taught them to gradually take on more responsibility for themselves we do them, ourselves and society a disservice.

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