How to Fake Virginity, Medieval Style

leechesIn “On Treatments for Women,” Trota says that, before we treat a woman, we need to know whether she is hot or cold. The test is easily performed. Soak a piece of lint tied on a string in pennyroyal oil, tie the string around one thigh, and insert it into the vagina while the woman sleeps at night. If the tampon is drawn into the vagina, she is cold. If it is expelled, she is hot.

Subsequent therapies depend on this important medical fact. It’s sort of a medieval version of the dermatologists’ motto: If it’s wet, dry it; if it’s dry, wet it; if all else fails, use steroids. Only in the Trotula, it goes sort of like: If it’s cold, heat it; if it’s hot, cool it; and for just about everything, there’s a vaginal fumigation that will fix you right up.

“On Treatments” gives advice for all the usual female ailments, as well as a few for men. Some of the more interesting:

Slimming down: Anoint yourself with cow dung mixed with wine, then take a very hot bath in water and steam heated by an elderwood fire. Have a glass of sweet wine and go to bed. Repeat three to four times a week.

Extracting a dead fetus: Put the woman on a sheet, get four strong men to grab the corners, and bounce her around until the fetus is delivered.

Retention of the placenta: Induce vomiting. It’ll slip right out.

Removing wrinkles (this may actually be the first historical reference to a facial peel): Cover the face with stinking iris juice. This makes the skin blister off, and the skin underneath (once the face heals) will be smooth and pretty. Just think how much money you can save on chemical peels!

Removing redness of the face: leeches. Because every woman wants to put leeches on her face. I think I’ll put up with my ruddy complexion, thank you.

Faking virginity: soak a linen cloth in egg whites and pennyroyal, and insert into vagina two to three times a day. This constricts the vaginal opening. Or powdered natron in the vagina, which apparently was a favorite of prostitutes (because everyone expects prostitutes to be virginal, right?), but might also harm the male member. Also, leeches in the vagina just before intercourse can cause a blood clot that is disrupted during intercourse, producing a nice bloody show. Ingenious, huh?

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51 Comments

My understanding is that there's a booming black market for surgically replacing hymens in, I believe, Korea. Just goes to show we haven't outgrown all the madness

[Reply]

Leeches in the vagina is pretty much the limit of what I'll go through to boost a man's ego. I say pretty much because I have sold my soul to the devil before for a man's ego and I want to be honest. These days I hope I've grown past that stupidity.

[Reply]

Pennyroyal seemed to have been the mint flavor of the period. It was used to "strengthen the gums" as well as for venomous bites, gout, burns and bruises, yadda yadda. But, I'd take that over cow dung any day.

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I have no comment. Only laughter. Can you imagine what they will say about us a few hundred years from now?

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OMG. My lady party hurt from reading that. AHhhhhhhhhhhhhh

[Reply]

No leeches in my hoo hoo. No way no how.

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Yes, I seriously want to rub myself in cow excrement and wander around that way in order to slim down. Really?? I think I'll keep my fluffy self exactly the way it is. The reason they were slim after this is that no one would feed them, or have sex with them. Yuck!!

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aaaah! I've never been so glad to be a member of the 21st century!

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Eeeeewwwwwww, eeeewww and eeewwww. I'm so glad I wasn't around back then….all of those sound downright painful (not to mention, a little embarrassing)

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