Of Lizards and Boys

anoleEvery mom knows the pet saga:

Child wants pet.

Child swears he will take care of pet.

Child whines, moans, and complains until parents deliver said pet, swearing on the grave of the last one that he will, indeed, be responsible for pet.

Pet arrives. Child is deliriously happy. Child feeds, waters and cares for pet.

For about a week.

Child loses interest in pet. Pet becomes mom’s responsibility.

Sound familiar?

We’ve been through this a few times during my 20+ years of parenting. You know the old adage–fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice…

So Stretch needs to finish a Boy Scout merit badge that requires him to take care of a reptile or amphibian for a month (or observe one in a controlled environment for three months–and NO WAY am I driving to the zoo once a week for 3 months).

Whoever designed this badge did not have children of their own.

Probably, he was a misogynistic madman who was just trying to figure out yet another way to torture the mothers who come under his control. Waa-ha-ha-ha…

We had an aquarium left over from the goldfish saga (sigh). So Stretch and I wandered up to the pet store to look at reptiles and amphibians.

DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW LONG THESE DAMN THINGS LIVE????

The shortest life span was a five to ten year frog. The good reptiles live 30 to 60 years.

One massive commitment for a month long project. I can see Stretch hauling his Great Horned Dragon to college.

Not happening. So we inquired about reptiles that could be released at the end of the month. The look on the sales girl’s face said it all–PET TORTURER! They won’t sell even the little backyard lizards if they know you only want them for a month. Raised in captivity, you see. Probably can’t feed themselves.

Back to the drawing board. We found instructions on the internet for catching our own damn gecko from the backyard. We baited the trap and waited.

And waited.

And waited.

Finally, I’m outside doing some gardening, and a little green lizard is foolish enough to think he can outrun my dog (my pet, now. The boys even whine about feeding her). Between the two of us, with me telling her she couldn’t eat it over and over, we cornered the poor thing and dumped him in the prepared terrarium.

When I sent Stretch to clean out the gecko trap, he found a skink (those are the lizards that look like snakes, because their feet are so short and so oddly placed) hiding in the bottom.

So Stretch is the proud owner of an anole and a skink, who don’t mind sharing the terrarium and are roundly ignoring each other.

And the food.

Here’s the thing the pet store didn’t tell me when we bought lizard meal–wild lizards won’t eat anything they didn’t have to kill.

If there were a pet store close enough, I’d make Stretch walk there once a day to buy live crickets. BUT NO. I have to stop in and buy live crickets every other day.

Plus, the anole is picky. Not only do they have to be live, but they have to be a certain size. For a captive audience, I think his (her?) standards are a little too high.

So, thank you, Mr Boy Scout merit badge designer. Between the 6-1/2 hours I spent on the other 9 requirements, and the month I’m spending on this one, I’ve pretty much been merit-badged out.

Only 100 and some odd left to go.

(If you believe in a higher power, could you put a good word in for Stretch’s anole and skink? If they don’t make it a month, I HAVE TO DO THIS ALL OVER AGAIN).

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151 Comments

Ha! What you need is a sister in law like mine (way young), who loves snakes and will take any you're tired off of your hands, as she did my daughter's snake.

However, if you move beyond the chain pet stores, many pet stores will take older pets and buy them back. Big reptiles can be sold for more than little reptiles. Still, good luck with your wild ones. None in my house have survived the manx cat gauntlet.

[Reply]

TheMother Replies:

When we had cats, we often found dead lizards and geckos in our house. No cats, now, so we occasionally find live geckos and lizards.

For weeks, I have been beating myself up for "liberating" the one I found in a measuring cup a few weeks back. Could have saved lots of trouble.

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What I want to know is why these merit badge projects can only be completed with extensive parental involvement. Sure, they're kids and can't do everything for themselves. However, when a parent has to **significantly** contribute to a project, doesn't it kind of defeat the purpose? And what about kids whose parents are not that involved for whatever reason? It puts those kids at a disadvantage. Not to sound like a hard a** here, but, geez, kid projects are supposed to be **kid projects,** not parent-significantly-involved projects.

I think you are much too nice. Me, I'd send my kid out to the field and tell him, "Good luck." Then when the critters wouldn't eat store-bought food I'd be telling him, "Well, as your role in this project is to 'take care of' your critter for a month, you better figure out a way to do it." When kid complains that if I don't do certain things then he can't get the badge, I'd say "Who is supposed to earn this badge–you or me? Figure out a way or don't get the badge."

Sorry. I'm in a real mood today.

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In general, I agree with you completely. That said, there are two reptiles which, although inferior beings from the human point of view, are now under the care of my household. I'm not going to let them starve because we can't find anything dead that they will eat. If that means I have to run up to Petsmart three times a week, well, so be it.

Boy Scouts in general stresses that the kids should be doing these projects themselves, but there is a limit to what a pre-driving kid can accomplish without parental involvement. He can't bike across the freeway to the pet store–not in Houston. Sorry.

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At least your boys might actually LEARN something from what they're doing. I am coming to the conclusion that Girl Scouts might be the most useless thing I've ever seen. OMGsh! I'm so glad my kid now knows how to write a poem! Thank you, Girl Scouts!

Wow! We're going to camp out in such a way that it doesn't resemble real camping at all, and not have to learn or use any real skills? Excellent!

Bah! Humbug!

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Yeah, if you count how to dust store bought crickets with calcium powder a useful skill. I have my doubts on this one.

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I mean, YOU should get some sort of badge for this whole thing, not your son! Something along the lines of 'Mother of the Year' would work…

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OMG you're kidding??!! You just gave me a great reason to say no next time Cole asks me if he can join the Cub Scouts!

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They SHOULD celebrate moms, not necessarily a badge because really, what would you pin it on? Maybe something along the lines of an open bar and lobster dinner. It might not be complete reparation for the time lost but it would be a start.

We have an excess of geckos at our house. If the skink and the anole don't work out for you, let me know, I'll ship you some…not sure how well they'd travel though. ;)

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Oh, I hope that you don't have to do this all over again. Furthermore, where is your merit badge. Oh, I forgot. Our merit badges are in our stretch marks and saggy breasts. YEAH!

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"So we inquired about reptiles that could be released at the end of the month. The look on the sales girl’s face said it all–PET TORTURER! They won’t sell even the little backyard lizards if they know you only want them for a month. Raised in captivity, you see. Probably can’t feed themselves."

It's all absolutely ridiculous. And frankly, policies like these discourage adoption. My mom tried to adopt a kitten once and was told if she didn't sign an agreement PROMISING to NEVER give the cat to another living human being then. . . well, she couldn't take the cat.

This world is getting crazier and crazier, the older I get. I think that Stretch's boy scout troop leader must be very young indeed.

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Somehow we ended up with 3 turtles in the same way. Got one for a child, then somehow my wife decided it needed company, and…

And they live damn near forever.

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OMG! And here I was complaining about the daughter's preschool assignment about bringing in a little critter from the yard. Holy moly if I had to feed it live bugs I would die.
DIE!

Any chance you could buy a lizard…and then return it?

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Now this one I could handle easily. We kept a king snake that my cat brought in for a few months while we were growing up. Let it go when it healed and clearly had no interest in taming.

My kids have had alligator lizards on occasion. Hubby caught one with two tails once, which the kids loved. Hubby's fault it escaped too, but at least it got away outside.

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Couldn't he just get a virtual lizard that he could create cricket avatars to feed them with?

[Reply]

TheMother Replies:

Oh, that would be SO nice. Alas, the scouts have not entered the virtual age. They seem to think that boys should be playing in actual dirt.

I tend to agree, on every count except the lizard one.

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