Kids and Phone Etiquette

Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Behavior Children

telephoneIf you ever want to find out the age of a child in a household, make a phone call. You can peg a child’s age by how he deals with a phone. Really.

Here is my guide:

Newborn to fifteen months: Every time the phone rings, the child wakes up. Mother dashes to phone, answers within a fraction of a ring, and immediately makes her excuses so she can tend to the baby.

Fifteen months to two years: Mommy and Daddy are so excited by the little one’s vocabulary that nearly everyone who calls is assailed with baby ramblings. Friends, neighbors and family stop calling until the child grows up.

Two to four: Tots are jealous of Mom’s attention. If she is speaking to a faceless stranger through a plastic handle, she is NOT playing with them. Mother spends the entire conversation telling the child she is on the phone.

Four to eight: Children are no longer so fixed on Mom’s attention as they are on her cooperation. They need something, they need it NOW, and the fact that she is on the phone is totally irrelevant. This is the stage of the three-way conversation, in which Mom spends most of her time repeating, “Sorry, I wasn’t talking to YOU.”

Eight to eleven: Someone picks up the phone, but all you hear is breathing. Mother yells from another room, “SAY HELLO,” or “Tell them who you are!” Phone manners are totally elusive. The idea of conversing to a plastic box simply hasn’t managed to sink in.

Eleven to Thirteen: They become experts at the use of a cell phone, can text like lightening and have CPS on their speed dial at number 9.  At this stage, Mother assumes that they might actually be useful–to perhaps grab the phone while she is on a ladder, or field a call while she is in the loo.

However–Mother has also spent the entirety of the child’s childhood teaching him NOT TO LIE. So this is the stage of inglorious phone manners, and callers are treated to such lovely comments as, “She can’t come to the phone. She has her head in the potty.”

Fourteen to Eighteen: The development of the social lie makes the teen actually useful as an answering machine. The lack of interest in Mother’s social life makes them not very good at the taking a message part of the activity. Callers believe they have left a message, which is immediately erased by the next text coming in on the kid’s cell.

Try it.

Send this to the person bothering you today!
[del.icio.us] [Digg] [Facebook] [kirtsy] [MySpace] [StumbleUpon] [Technorati] [Twitter] [Email] More »
If you enjoyed this post, make sure you subscribe to my RSS feed!

Related posts:

  1. The Curious Case of the Phone Call in the Afternoon
  2. The Mother’s Guide to Men’s Restroom Etiquette
  3. How Not to Send Your Kids to Camp
  4. There are Some Things Kids Should Just Know
  5. Mothers of Perfect Children (MoPCs)

Related posts brought to you by Yet Another Related Posts Plugin.

Add to Technorati Favorites

Tags: , , , , , , , ,

9 Comments

The Dental Maven

Wednesday, 23rd September 2009 at 4:55 pm
 

Wow. That system may prove to be more reliable than judging age by a persons dentition!

Pretty funny, Mother! :)

[Reply]

ck@badmommymoments

Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 12:14 am
 

That is a great post! And so, so true…

[Reply]

Becca

Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 12:30 am
 

This is soooo true. At our house the 14 year old doesn't answer unless it is us, or the boy she likes. She then waits three hours to tell us the phone rang, and that it was my mother. Good Grief!!

[Reply]

Lawyer Mom

Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 1:16 am
 

"Eight to eleven: Someone picks up the phone, but all you hear is breathing." — I've just spit wine all over my keyboard I'm laughing so hard.

And how about a post on gauging the age of the parent? You can peg them easily.

The ones who let their two-year-old record the answering machine or cell phone greeting are . . . oh, usually first-time moms in the 31-34 year old range. NOT that there's anything wrong with that. Stand down, people; hold your tomatoes. But it is revealing, and of so much more than age.

[Reply]

TheMother Replies:
September 24th, 2009 at 2:12 am

I don't care if you are a first time mom in the 31-34 range, there is NO excuse for letting your two year old record your phone message.

I also detest those messages that list everyone in the household, including the dog.

Give your phone number, so your caller knows he didn't screw up, and leave it at that.

[Reply]

the mayor

Thursday, 24th September 2009 at 3:10 am
 

I think we need a new catagory for this: We had an African Grey Parrot whose cage was in my husband home office. They are able to mimic exact voices. His greeting when the phone rang was "This is Rob. Hi! How are ya?" Eventually he learned to unlock the cage and occasionally push the button on the speaker phone with his beak. You guessed it. He answered the phone with the same script every time.

[Reply]

mrsbear

Friday, 25th September 2009 at 2:56 am
 

My fourteen year old only recently become useful in this capacity. My eleven year old can't remember to tell me when her own father calls. She can put down the receiver, walk away and completely disregard the person on the other line until the phone goes in to that annoying busy signal. And my two year old and six year old, you've nailed them too. Great post.

[Reply]

Gibby

Monday, 28th September 2009 at 1:14 am
 

This is hysterical, and so true. I am in the four to eight phase, and I hate it! Another thing I always hate? When someone puts their kid (say, toddler age) on the phone because they have something to say. No, they don't. At least, nothing I can make out.

[Reply]

Helene

Tuesday, 29th September 2009 at 1:01 am
 

My kids do the whole breathing thing. They know how to put the phone on speaker too so whoever's calling gets treated to listening to me yell at the kids. One time it was my MIL. Good times.

[Reply]

Leave a Comment