The Apparatus for Facilitating Childbirth by Centrifugal Force

centrifbirthNo, no one can make this stuff up. Not even me.

I did promise at the beginning of this journey that I might not be doing the entire history of childbirth in order. You see, some things are just so funny that you have to share them when you find them.

The Engineer was doing some research about CPAP in premature babies for a project at school. How he found this in the process is beyond me, but he just KNEW I’d love it. So Soranus has to wait another week.

In 1963, the US Patent Office granted a patent to Dr. George Blonsky, an obstetrician, and his wife Charlotte, a one-time medical student, for this marvelous device.

The preface reads:

“It is known, that due to natural anatomical conditions, the fetus needs the application of considerable propelling force to enable it to push aside the constricting vaginal surfaces and to counteract the atmospheric pressure opposing the emergence of the child. In the case of a woman who has a fully developed muscular system and has had ample physical exertion all through the pregnancy, as is common with all the more primitive peoples, nature provides all the necessary equipment and power to have a normal and quick delivery. This is not the case, however, with more civilized women who often do not have the opportunity to develop the muscles needed in confinement.

“It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts.”

I’ve been looking for any evidence that this device was ever built, tested, FDA approved for medical device indications, or even a record of any actual use on a human. Medline doesn’t go back that far, so absent hours in the local medical library doing it the old fashioned  way, I’m just going to guess, um, NO.

Even if they built it, WHO WOULD COME?

We let our obstetricians strap us into elastic belts and fetal monitors and anti-gravity beds. But I do think that even the meekest woman would balk if she walked into  a delivery room that looked like Frankenstein’s laboratory.

Maybe they could hire hunchbacked delivery room nurses and use those cool Halloween soundtrack CDs,  just to round out the whole experience.

Or maybe a calliope. And nurses dressed in Mad Hatter costumes (you know, the teacup rides???).

A few years later, Dr. Blonsky was issued a separate patent for that lovely mesh baby catcher. He billed it as a “safety net,” I guess just in case the OB sorta, you know, let it slip.

Luckily, patent rights provide that Dr. Blonsky has full control over his, um, invention. It does not protect him from ridicule.

They did know that there was no such force as “centrifugal,” even in 1963, didn’t they?

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136 Comments

Ah, hahahahahaha! Why should astronauts get all the fun! I know I can't think of anything that enhances the maternal bond like flinging my newborn into a handy net and having the OB/GYN wave as I swing by.

Is that thing over the mother's face to catch vomit?

the patriarchy: forever jealous that they can't make babies.

No, the mom's head is held in place by a chin strap–no barf bag in the patent application. That thing that goes over her head is actually a foot above it on the transverse photo–it's the "ball governor" for the centrifuge.

Um… so modern civilized women are kept in confinement?

Really, why does he make it sound like women are kept in a box? And to think I managed it all on my own despite a confinement that's rendered my muscular system completely useless. Love the diagram!

Good God, and I thought men were only evil enough to have created bras, high heels, and pantyhose.

“It is the primary purpose of the present invention to provide an apparatus which will assist the under-equipped woman by creating a gentle, evenly distributed, properly directed, precision-controlled force, that acts in unison with and supplements her own efforts.” —

I'm feeling fairly under-equipped and overwhelmed at the moment , what with all the vacuuming, dusting, and laundry to be done. I wonder if old Blonsky's invention might now supplement this woman's own efforts and . . . come in a handy unison right about now?

Sorry to inform you of this, but the bra was invented by a woman. She billed it as a better alternative to the corset. Which it most likely was.

At least now I have an explanation for my 21 hour with Mr. C. I was not primitive and must not have had that fully developed muscular system. I learn something every time I come here..

Oh man, I opened this post five times before I could successfully enlarge the picture and read past the first three paragraphs. This is a frightening contraption. I'm thinking there isn't enough phenergan in the world!

ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha

I just spent 8 hours on my feet in heels, wearing a super-support underwire bra.

AMEN. It is ALL EVIL. If men had to wear this BS, it would go out of fashion in a hurry.

I thought I posted a comment. Where'd it go?

And then it only posted the first line? What is going on????

So strapping yourself to this damned table and getting your baby SPUN out is more "civilized" than using your body as it was intended. For, you know, work and stuff?

ONLY A MAN would think this is a good idea.

wow. i'm so glad i was born now and had a kid when the drugs flow like water. men have it s easy.

interesting post as always.

That looks extraordinarily unpleasant. I can't even imagine being swung in a circle as I tried to deliver a baby. I can't imagine it wouldn't lead to severe vomiting.

Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!!!

Well if I didn't get motion sickness so easy I may have given that thing a ride to get my 6th baby out, she was extremely stubborn.

patriarchy schmatriarchy. read up and find the patent for the blonsky was dually issued to mr and mrs blonsky.

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