How Not to Send Your Kids to Camp

Wednesday, July 15, 2009

Since it’s summer camp season, and I have done a whole lot of those, I have a few suggestions. But as usual, mine might not be the same as most of the other ones out there.

How NOT to send your kids to camp:

1) Don’t pack for them. What do they learn if you pack for them?

I hand my list to the kids a few days ahead of time. It’s their responsibility to make sure they have everything on the list. On packing day, I sit with the list and check off as things go into the bag. Voila, packed.

This may, however, backfire. One year, I sent Stretch to camp with his packed bags. The camp counselor called me and chewed me out for sending him with dirty clothes.

They weren’t dirty, of course. They were just self-laundered and self-packed. But the camp washed them all and refolded them for my poor, neglected Stretch. Aren’t they sweet?

2) Don’t send your kid to a camp where there’s going to be a storm.

I know, you don’t have a meteorological crystal ball. Neither do I, but I can tell you from experience that camps do not handle storms well.

The Goth was almost electrocuted when they were hiking DURING a storm, and lightning hit a gate not ten feet from where he was standing. FUN, huh?

The Grouch was at tennis camp one year during a hurricane (hey, it happens). His cabin sprung a leak, and soaked EVERYTHING. The camp responded exactly as one would expect caring, civilized adults to–they let the kids lie in the inch deep water for a week.

NB–if your kid tells you that all his clothes are wet, and the camp isn’t letting him use the dryers? You might consider believing him.

3) Don’t send your kids to camps run by teenagers.

Teenagers tend to think that they are infallible and immortal. It doesn’t occur to them that their little charges might not be.

Which is why they don’t mind taking kids hiking through a bayou with barbed wire all over the place. And why you should never, ever go to the dentist while your kids are at said camp. Because while your cell phone doesn’t work at the dentist’s office? That’s when your kid steps in the barbed wire and gets it wrapped around his leg. And they call the EMTs to cut him out. And father-in-law has to take him to the ER, because your cell isn’t picking up in the medical center.

4) Don’t expect your camp to actually know where your kids are.

Twice. Twice our local camp lost my kids. We found them, safe and sound, both times. Lucky me.

5) Don’t expect your kids to complain about the food.

The food at camp is always better than mom’s. It’s just a fact. Get used to it.

Unless you send your kid to Spain. That was the year that the Engineer suddenly realized how much he loved my cooking.

6) Don’t expect the camp to take care of your child’s medical needs promptly

Or at all.

I have had TWO kids return home with serious cases of bronchitis, requiring antibiotics. Neither had even called home. The last time, the Goth was old enough to KNOW he was sick, and went to the infirmary every day, begging to see a doctor. Lovely.

But they are really, really good at calling when your kid throws up. Like it’s life threatening. THAT I don’t get.

Or maybe it’s just us? One year we got a call that one had taken a nasty bump on the head. We responded in our usual, matter of fact, doc kind of way: Did he lose consciousness? Does he have double vision? Is he nauseous? NOPE? WHY DID YOU CALL ME?

6) DON’T expect everything to be great and fantastic and rosy. It’s just easier to admit that now–it’ll save you grief and aggravation later.

Oh, and:

7) Don’t stick around. Get on a plane. Leave the country. Maybe if you’re lucky the kids won’t find you at the end.

Send this to the person bothering you today!