Passive Aggressive Snots

windshieldAccording to Wikipedia, passive aggressive behavior is  “passive, sometimes obstructionist resistance to following through with expectations in interpersonal or occupational situations. It can manifest itself as learned helplessness, procrastination, stubbornness, resentment, sullenness, or deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish requested tasks for which one is (often explicitly) responsible.”

According to the Mother, the definition is much simpler. Passive aggressive behavior = TEENAGER.

Teens are past masters of this fun sport. Especially the “learned helplessness” part.

Give a teenager an assignment, and he WILL ask you five times where to find the stuff he needs, because it’s unreasonable that he might know where things are in his own house.

He WILL feign not knowing how to use a necessary piece of equipment, because you’ve only shown him eight times.

He WILL make it clear that he would have been done by now, except that he couldn’t get into your room to get a book he needed at eleven last night, so it’s your fault that he isn’t finished. Even though he started working on it at ten am and knew he needed the damn book.

They’re so good,  you don’t even see it coming.

We have a new game. I call it “search engine.”

Teenager needs something, and asks you where it is. You tell him. He takes a quick glance and announces that he can’t find it.

The purpose of this game, of course, is to make you get up and find it for him, thereby, 1) interrupting your life, which is always a plus in and of itself; 2) finding what he needs with no effort at all, and 3) delaying whatever it was that he needed to do by the amount of time it takes you to get off your arse and find whatever it is.

The winner of the game is the person who delays the longest. If what he needs is more important to him than to you, it’s fairly easy to win.

But if this is related to a chore that YOU want HIM to do, you have very few options.

Here’s how to WIN: establish an onerous punishment to be handed out if the work is not done by a specific time and date (oh, like, mowing the lawn in the Houston heat). THEN LEAVE–preferably the house.

Bonus points if you turn off your cell phone!

I would love to tell you this is a phase, but in my experience, it doesn’t wear off until the lovely little tykes are about  FORTY.

Real, true, honest-to-your-favorite-deity, conversation with the Engineer (21, going on 15):

E: My windshield cracked! Why does this stuff always happen to me? I’m so sick of things going wrong with my car! Now I’m going to have to sit all day and wait for it to get replaced. (resentment/ sullenness)

M: How bad is it? Maybe you can get it repaired.

E: I don’t want to mess with it right now. (procrastination)

Next day:

M: When are you going to figure out what to do about your windshield?

E: Monday. I’m just too pissed off right now. (procrastination, resentment, sullenness)

Monday: (the Learned Helplessness conversation)

E: Can it be fixed?

M: I don’t know. Call a windshield repair company and ask.

E: (With his computer open in his lap, mind you) Where do I find those?

M: Google.

E: I think I’d rather just get it replaced.

M: Then you have to worry about what to do about the stickers.

E: How do I find that out?

M: Call the comptroller and ask.

E: They NEVER answer their phones! (He’s never called them, either)

M: Figure it out.(Slams door on way out to grocery store.)

Cell rings:

E: They say I need my proof of registration to get a new sticker.

M: GROCERY STORE. If you want the registration today, you’re going to have to look through the big box where I keep all the records.

E: You didn’t have to go to the store. When are you going to be home?

M: Did you call a repair place?

E: It’s too big.

M: DID YOU CALL A REPAIR PLACE?

E: YES!

M: Well, then, maybe you should try just scraping off the stickers. We can tack them back onto the new windshield.

E: I don’t want to do that! (deliberate/repeated failure to accomplish task)

(Mom hangs up).

Ten minutes later, phone rings:

E: Where are the razor blades?

M: Tool box.

E: Which tool box?

M: GROCERY STORE. What part of do it yourself are you having SO much trouble understanding?

E: Sheesh.

I should have turned off my cell.

But when I got home, the windshield had been replaced and the stickers were duct-taped to the new windshield.

Did I mention he is an ENGINEER?

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28 Comments

You just described my life. And he's only 12. How many more years did you say I have left?

Never mind, it's too many, I'll never make it.

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3) delaying whatever it was that he needed to do by the amount of time it takes you to get off your arse and find whatever it is.

You forgot the time wasted yelling at them for wasting your time. They have to LOVE that.

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Hubby spends all of his spare time being freaked out about how good his 5-year-old son is at playing the p/a game.

To which I say, "He has been watching you, hon, and learning."

Right now with hubby we're playing the laundry game. If it isn't in the basket it doesn't get washed. I don't care if you needed that shirt for a meeting and I KNEW it was over there in the floor. Shoulda put it in the basket. And inside-out socks? These (if they make it to the basket) get washed, dried, and put away INSIDE OUT.

It's kind of fun, when you get the hang of it. I figure if I can train the father, the son will be much easier.

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RocketScientist Replies:

I had a friend who couldn't take the clutter of husband and kids but wouldn't bow down. So, started throwing anything she found on the floor away. Expensive, but it got a quick response. I've threatened my daughter with buying fluorescent fabric paint and writing DORK on everything she leaves lying around.

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TheMother Replies:

When I was first married, hubby announced that he wanted all of his shirts to hang the same way in the closet.

Three years later, after doing his OWN laundry for three years, he decided he didn't care so much which direction his shirts hung.

Amazing.

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Stephanie Replies:

Are we married to the same guy? My hubby fussed about his shirts all hanging the same way too. I just told him I wasn't going to worry about it. He hangs his own shirts mostly now.

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Duct tape!! Okay, now that's just freakin' awesome!

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oh sweet jesus that was FUNNY.

and yeah, turn off the *&$@ cell.

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That's my 4yr old. I'm screwed.

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I can so relate. And it's just infuriating!

Today Mr. M went off to camp with two bottles of sunscreen — one empty (not sure why his dad packed it) and one chock full. He comes home, hours later, red as a beet. What the hell? I ask. Why didn't you put on your sunscreen? Him: the bottle was empty. Me: Is there not a 2nd bottle in your knapsack brand new/ Him: Umm, yeah. I forgot about it.

GRRRRRRRRRRR.

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OH LORDY. And I thought Two and Five were testing…

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So I gather you'd say I'm pretty much S.O.L. since my 4 yr olds are already doing this. And I"m on auto pilot most of the time that I don't even realize that I'm just enabling them. Like tonight, when I was in the middle of reading the newspaper, they asked for some more ranch dressing with their zucchini and like an idiot I got up and got it for them….they are perfectly capable of getting the bottle by themselves and pouring it. They have me so wrapped around their fingers already….must break the habit NOW, right? I can only imagine what life will be like with them when they're teens.

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TheMother Replies:

Start saying NO now, or you're in for a really bumpy ride.

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such an awesome post. you need to write a book because i need to buy it.

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Oh wow. Thank you for the leaving the house idea. My 18 year old got hung up filling out job applications (after 5 hours) because he was waiting on ME to look up two addresses for him. I don't know why we as mothers let ourselves be sucked in. When I relayed my frustration to the father person, he quickly pointed out that the boy knows how to use a phone. Why didn't I think of that?!?

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TheMother Replies:

We moms have some sort of built in guilt that makes it awfully hard to find the forest for the trees. Dads are better, because they don't have to put up with the snots all day long. Gives them fresh perspective.

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Even though I thought we were doing pretty well with this teen biz, I think that at 16, I am just beginning to see the shadow of things to come. This post is so spot on, it scares me. Everything is a no-win situation.. and cutting off at the pass is the best hope. My recent favorite answers to pretty much anything: "Wrack your own brain" or "Go google it" :)

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in case you didn't know, I'm not 16 – my older daughter is!

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This is frightening.

Perhaps my husband just never grew up, because he is just like this. Only it would have taken him a year to figure out the duct tape.

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Seriously, do you type this stuff to scare us mothers of up and coming teenagers? I mean, yes, I have 6 years before I have to worry, but still. I just keep telling myself that the brain is not fully developed yet, so the necessary connections are not there for reasoning, right? Right?

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TheMother Replies:

Are we talking about your brain or your kid's?

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My favorite method is this: Mom, have you seen my blue shorts? Me: In the laundry room on the shelf maybe. Her: I looked there already, it's not there. Me: If I get up, go in there and find your blue shorts I get to beat you, right? Her: whatever. 5 minutes later, mother beats teenager about the head with her blue shorts and tries to stuff them in teens open and screaming mouth.
No moral to this story, just letting off a little steam.

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You remind me that I have to remain diligent. I think I'll make sure I don't even have a cell phone when my kids are older (or that I don't give them the number). My kids clean their own rooms, make their own breakfast, pack their own lunches for school, dress themselves, and take care of their own needs for the most part.

I've had several moms comment on my "unique" parenting style lately, concerned that I let my kids play on the swingset in the back yard without standing over them (or pushing them on the swings, etc.)… concerned that I actually make them go to bed at a certain time, give them only one choice of what to eat for dinner, etc. I'm not raising kids, though. I'm raising adults… and I want them to get there (to adulthood) some day.

I like your style.

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TheMother Replies:

I like yours, too.

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Parents are supposed to support and help their children. NOT make them feel stupid. You are all disgusting parents and should never have been allowed to procreate.

All I see are a bunch of children who learned passive aggressive behavior from people who refuse to show compassion and caring to those who depend on them for development.

These people are a mirror image of yourselves. You should be ashamed.

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TheMother Replies:

You must not have teenagers. If you do, and you still think it's mom's job to help a perfectly capable child handle every little detail of his little life, you need to readhttp://mothershandbook.net/2010/01/science-death-... />

Good luck with yours. You are going to need it.

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