How Not to Become a Zombie

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underbiteman, Flickr

Becoming a zombie is easy.

Go out, get pregnant (If you need specifics on how to accomplish this, email me. We need to talk).

Once the baby is born, BOOM. You’ll be a zombie.

AVOIDING becoming a zombie, on the other hand, requires a plan. Or a shovel.

Not a week goes by in the mommy blogosphere without somebody posting a rant or a complaint or a self-help article on getting babies to sleep.

Really. It’s not that hard.

In retrospect.

In keeping with my marital mandate to make you all aware of my first foibles, I must reveal that I was a zombie for nearly the first YEAR of the Engineer’s life.

I kept waiting for that “sleeping like a baby” thing. It’s a lie. The phrase should be “sleeping like a teenager.”

Around day 345, a pediatrician friend imparted THE SECRET.

Damn, I wish I had known that earlier.

So, here it is. THE SECRET.

Babies aren’t as fragile as you think they are. They will NOT die in agony if they cry for a few minutes. Or even an hour.

And their memory circuits aren’t wired yet. So they CAN’T be affected by it for the rest of their lives. They will NOT be sitting on some psychiatrist’s couch in 20 years whining about how mom ignored them for 20 minutes on the Tuesday before they were seven months old.

NOR will they be convinced that you are an evil bitch who doesn’t care about them. They won’t remember in the morning. I promise. They’ll be okay. Really.

I know, there are all sorts of books out there about gentle parenting. About not letting your child cry. About keeping that warm, cuddly, momma loves baby thing going forever.

Don’t get me wrong. I do love my kids. I even loved them when they were keeping me up at night. ALL night.

But I didn’t LIKE them very much.

And a stressed-out, exhausted mom is NOT the best mom she can be.

So feel free to try the sure-fire, no-crying-required methods.

Then stop back here, and I’ll tell you how to fix it.

In a few easy steps: How to NOT become a zombie (this is known as the Ferber method, or at least my rendition of the Ferber method).

1) When a child is about 6 months old, he no longer requires nighttime feedings. It’s time to start.

2) Get in the habit, even earlier than that, of putting your child down drowsy, but awake. DON’T let him fall asleep at the breast (or bottle).

3) Pat him on the back and then tiptoe out of the room. Let him comfort himself to sleep. It’s a good habit that will last him for the rest of his life.

4) Keep bedtime rituals to a minimum. You don’t want to have to go through a 20 minute ritual at three in the morning.

5) STEAL THE PACIFIERS. Neonates have a physiologic need to suck. As they get older, it becomes a HABIT. And when they roll over and can’t find their binky, that’s when the waterworks start.

6) If he wakes up and you don’t want to feed him (or he’s past 6 months, and you want him to start sleeping through the night), let him cry for a few minutes to see if he’ll go back to sleep on his own. If not, tip-toe in, pat him on the back for reassurance, and LEAVE. Let him cry for a while longer, repeat.

Gradually increase the time the kid cries before you walk in. I promise, you only have to go through a few nights of this hell. He’ll eventually realize that crying is a lot of work, and he’ll learn to go back to sleep instead.

Okay, it’s not as dramatic as a shovel. But it’s a real life-saver. And you’re far more likely to actually USE this one.

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219 Comments

My nephew was mad at my sister for an entire evening – wouldn’t look at her or anything – when she went back to work after three months of maternity leave. (Hey, if she’d left *me* alone with his dad, there might have been bloodshed, so I completely understood the kid’s anger.) But you’re right, he was fine the next day. And doesn’t harbor resentment to this day. :)

[Reply]

So that whiskey trick my grandma told me about was a mistake?

I let my kids cry and it was much faster than the alternative. It only takes a few nights of this to establish a pattern. I also agree that a long night time ritual is a mistake unless you want to be doing this when they are in college.

Jen’s last blog post..Day 6

[Reply]

themother Replies:

Was the whiskey for you or the kid?

You really don’t want to be dealing with sleep issues when the kid goes to college. There are SO many issues to deal with, you really don’t need one more.

[Reply]

Moms, follow these instructions to the letter. The Mother is RIGHT ON.

I did exactly what she advises, lo those eight years ago, and her instructions are perfect.

Mr. M goes to sleep BY HIMSELF in his OWN ROOM with NO TROUBLE.

A friend of mine, on the other hand, is still driving her kids around at ten o’clock at night to get them to fall asleep.

The Lawyer Mom’s last blog post..If These are "Green Shoots" I Need a Parachute

[Reply]

So very true! Crying a little isn’t going to damage a child long term.

Right on about the binky. My 2 year old used to wake up crying for it. She wasn’t a good sleeper as a baby, and she’s not such a great sleeper now. I should have started on sleeping habits when she was younger- maybe then she go to sleep easier now.

Morgan’s last blog post..PB & Honey Sandwiches

[Reply]

I’ve never tried the Ferber method but have heard a lot of praises from parents who have.

I do a variety of this method. I’ll let him cry for a few minutes but then usually give in. I still haven’t been able to let it last as long as it takes.

But your right, the “sleeping like a baby” quote is BS.

Maria@Conversations with Moms’s last blog post..Wordless Wednesday – The Meaning behind the Name

[Reply]

I laid my eldest down at four months. She cried a total of five minutes. After that, she slept every night, all night from 8 pm to 6 am when I took her to daycare. She sleeps like the dead and can get to sleep in minutes.

My son sleeps lightly and didn’t go right to sleep, but he happily played in his crib and basically slept from 8 until (I kid you not) 10 am the next morning. It was unreal. He ate when he got up and about every two hours until bedtime. He still sleeps spottily, but he amuses himself so it could be worse.

My daughter, at less than three months, slept soundly and still does.

And yes, I know luck is a factor.

Stephanie’s last blog post..For Aron: First of a trio of questions

[Reply]

This method definitely worked for us when our daughter was around 6 months. But then we moved…again and again. And then we ended up having to put her crib in our room due to a lack of living space. Then it was tough for all of us again. Thankfully, she’s almost 4 now and we’ve been living in the same place for over a year, so she’s much better about going to bed in her own room, alone.

[Reply]

I think we got lucky, and we come from a long line of sleepers. My little guy is a great sleeper and never had any of those dreaded night terrors. Oh Lordy, that would have killed me!

The Dental Maven’s last blog post..Where’s The Teef!

[Reply]

You nailed it–put your child down drowsy, but awake. That was our huge crucial mistake. Once we stopped doing that, it was like day and night. Great advice.

frogmama’s last blog post..If my grandmother read my blog she’d probably disown me

[Reply]

For my last 3 babies I had read the book by Ferber and one called Baby Wise, which were similar. Schedule and Routine. Eat time, play time, sleep time always in that order.
Worked like a charm, the last 3 were sleeping through the night by 3 months of age.
They did have pacifiers though, several, clipped on to their jammies.

the Mayor’s last blog post..Can I Still Blog From Jail?

[Reply]

OK, the first few sentences of this post had me howling. And I agree, that routine works. Of course I struggled through with my oldest (mommy-guilt), but when my second came around, I followed this and damn it, it worked. Like, right away. When I think of all the time I wasted with the first one…

Gibby’s last blog post..Friday Foto

[Reply]

I agree. As someone who got no sleep last night due to redirecting twopointfive over and over and over again back to his room.

wish I could tell the new moms you only have to sleep train them once, but often a new developmental phase causes major disruptions.

in our case…potty training.

gotta go, eyelids spontaeously closing…

Ann’s last blog post..Free Association Friday: CG Coppard

[Reply]

Good advice that I am soo glad I don’t need anymore. I managed to get mine to sleep through the night pretty early on, now if I could just get them to sleep in till 9, I’d be set for life.

mrsbear’s last blog post..Takes Me Back – Spin Cycle

[Reply]

I believe that THIS is the most important thing to figure out while your baby is a baby. OMG. Sleeping problems can tear a family apart. A WHOLE FAMILY. But don’t get me started on sleeping…I have come to believe it’s the root of most childhood problems.

I didn’t have Baby Wise for my first kid, but when I did get it I realized I had done essentially the same thing with her. That book is awesome. I also had all 3 of mine sleeping all night long, by themselves, by 3 months. But this was more important to me than ANYTHING.

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