You’re Not Alone, You’re Just a Loner-Sunday Rehash

Sunday, April 26, 2009

Do you cringe when your child comes home from school with a party invitation? Do you come home from your kid’s play dates more exhausted than he is? Do you duck and hide when you run into other mothers at the grocery store?

You’re not alone. Really, you’re not. You’re just a loner.

According to population studies, one-third of the general population is introverted. (Studies of gifted children suggest that up to sixty per cent of the very intelligent are introverted—and they all grow up). That means that at least one out of every three women you meet feels, more or less, like you do. They just won’t admit it.

Why? Why do loners have such bad raps that no one will admit that they are one?

Look at the people who shape public opinion. I’ll bet that no introvert ever ran for a public office. It would take one hell of a cause to get me out there shaking hands with thousands of people I’d never met, making small talk and pressing the flesh at fundraising dinners. Likewise, the journalists and TV hosts aren’t likely to be introverts. You mean I have to call people? Talk to them? Pretend to like them? Not going to happen.

So, when a poor, unfortunate child who is depressed and unhappy because he doesn’t fit in at school does something bad, to someone else or to himself, he gets labeled a ‘loner.’ Whether he really is an introvert, or is an unhappy and unfulfilled extrovert, is irrelevant. The label has come to evoke these images in our brains, because the people who write the stories aren’t introverts, and don’t understand.

Plus, there’s the whole ‘it takes a village’ mentality. Mothers, you see, are not allowed to be introverts. Our foremothers, who raised eleven children in a farmhouse miles from everywhere, running the farm while their husbands left for months at a time, while fighting off wild animals (some of the human type) and simultaneously educating all eleven children, are now turning over in their graves. It’s just lucky that no one can go back in time and tell them that they were doing it wrong.

Nowadays, children’s lives are not complete unless they are whirlwinds. They are bounced from school to playdates to sports to religious events to more sports to parties to gymboree. Mothers, their chauffers, have to socialize with other mothers at each of these events. We are told that these occasions are necessary parts of our child’s socialization experience. Mothers who attempt to save their sanity by cutting down on their child’s activities are evil. After all, it takes a village.

What it does seem to take is a village full of criticism. Mothers, especially, get to hear it all. For some reason, motherhood is one of those activities that just invites outside suggestions, unsolicited advice, and general condescension—and it starts very early.

Honestly, is there any other activity that engenders such annoyances? Can you imagine someone walking up to a physicist on the street and telling her that her lab space is set up wrong? Or grabbing a mathematician and insisting that her formulas are running amok?

We put up with the little old ladies and the crotchety old men and the mothers of perfect children, because apparently, it’s part of our job.

But the next time one of them has you cornered, take a second to look to the mother on your right, and then the mother on your left. Chances are, one of them understands. Smile, and maybe you will make a new friend.

Photo: Gary Cowles, stock.xchng.com

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Tags: Busybodies, Curriculum, Family, humor, introversion, loner, loners, motherhood, mothers of perfect children, nosy neighbors, Parenting, privacy, strangers

14 Comments

Darla

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 9:56 am

Thank you. I needed to hear this. <3

Darla’s last blog post..Sofa Tables

Running mommy

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 12:38 pm

What a great post! When I read the first few sentences I knew I had to read the whole post! ‘Cause I feel like that all the time.

It’s so good to know I’m not the only one.

Running mommy’s last blog post..I run, therefore I rock!

the Mayor

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 2:41 pm

I am an introvert. I don’t necessarily like everyone I meet, but I try to reserve judgment as sometimes people grow on me. So my fondness for several of my fellow bloggers surprises me. I am social, just not “the life of the party”. Maybe it’s because we get to “know” each other on a bit deeper of a level by the continuous reading each others thoughts.

And with my last 3 children I am the evil type mom who has cut out all the extras due to budget restraints and the fact that I’m just too old now for all of the nonsense.

the Mayor’s last blog post..Cards Disrupted

themother Replies:
April 26th, 2009 at 2:56 pm

I think it’s a lot easier to be social on the web. You can do it at your own leisure. You can pick and choose who you will interact with.
It’s not that us introverts can’t BE friendly. It’s just that we don’t NEED it. And we don’t see the point of wasting our time doing it with folks that don’t merit all that effort.

Kris

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 3:17 pm

I can relate to this only too well. I used to be even more introverted, but parenthood has forced me to interact with more people, in different circles than I used to travel. I’m even a lead clinician at my counseling center, and I’m having a hard time socializing without my sister there (we’ve worked together for 10+ years, and she’s in Cancun this week!!). I’m also glad to know I’m not alone. Great post!

Bantering Blonde

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 4:03 pm

This was a great post! I’m not an introvert but I have cut down on all of my kids extra curricular activities and am trying to give myself a break as well…..

Bantering Blonde’s last blog post..~ Quotable Sunday ~ Coco Chanel

veronica lee

Sunday, 26th April 2009 at 11:10 pm

I’m a recluse. I love my bloggy pallies far more than my ‘offline’ friends!!!

veronica lee’s last blog post..10 ways of hiding an elephant

Helene

Monday, 27th April 2009 at 12:46 am

Great post…and well said, as always!

Helene’s last blog post..An unexpected treat….

The Lawyer Mom

Monday, 27th April 2009 at 9:29 pm

Perfectly put.

My mother wretches when she hears Barbra Streisand sing, “People who need people . . . are the luckiest people . . . in the world. . . ”

The Lawyer Mom’s last blog post..Who Knew?

Drama Queen Jenner

Tuesday, 28th April 2009 at 4:30 pm

I used to always say ‘I don’t like people’. It was more of not liking crowds or stupid people, but I realized I was different a long time ago. And I embraced it. I never minded having only 1 or two friends in the midst of a popularity contest. Social interaction was best avoided.

Drama Queen Jenner’s last blog post..I Am Spam, Spam I Am

threeundertwo

Wednesday, 29th April 2009 at 8:07 am

A friend once summed it up for me nicely: An extrovert is one who recharges by being around other people, an introvert recharges by being alone. Since learning that I have embraced my introvertedness and I understand myself much better. I had no idea that one in three of us were like that.

And Las Vegas? Chuck E. Cheese? Make my skin crawl.

threeundertwo’s last blog post..Wordful Wednesday: Packing for a Camping Trip

themother Replies:
April 29th, 2009 at 8:17 am

You and me both. I made every excuse I could think of not to go to Chuck E Cheese. That place is an introvert’s nightmare.

Of course, I make a lot of excuses not to go lots of places where there are people around. So Chuck E Cheese isn’t all that special.

AmyAnne

Thursday, 30th April 2009 at 6:30 pm

I am an introvert and I have never apologized for that. My kids can have play dates a) when I need to get rid of them or b) when they can get their own ass over to their friend’s house. Don’t even get me started with play dates and mommy & me classes and Chuck the Cheese. I also don’t apologize for only letting my kids have 1 single, solitary activity at a time and not until they are 6.

But what is killing me is the judgment you speak of. Good gawd. The judgment is EVERYWHERE. From do you breastfeed? Why are you drinking that diet coke 6 months pregnant? To the, make your kid put on shoes. Or what time your kids go to bed. Geeze. Please people can we just trust that just as every human being is different, every human will parent differently. I don’t give a flying jackass if SuzyQ wants to spank her 2 year old for running across the street. I also don’t want to hear about JaneD who makes all her kids clothes and feeds them only organic. They are no worse or better than me and my not yet patented methods of child rearing.

Let’s just support each other. Ruminate on that concept. Chew it a little, swallow it, spit it back up and chew it a little more.

S.U.P.P.O.R.T.

Not even in the Go Sister! way, but like the stop talking shit about other people and just accept that everyone has their own method to their madness but we all love our kids and are doing our best for them and us.

AmyAnne’s last blog post..In Support of Madlyn Primoff

themother Replies:
April 30th, 2009 at 7:35 pm

If you need support, Amy, you can find it here.

The Mother--FAQ

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