Bickering, Thy Name is Sibling

Monday, March 2, 2009

If you have more than one child, they will fight. They will bicker. They will argue. They will hit, kick, poke, punch, and throw things. They will drive you crazy.

I have read every book on dealing with sibling bickering ever written. The only thing I ever learned that was useful was this take-home pearl:

Kids get to pick their friends, but they have no input whatsoever about their sibs.

Any parent with more than one child can tell you that this whole nature v. nurture question has already been solved. Your children, even though they came from the same gene pool and are being raised in the same environment, are vastly different human beings. Yet we expect them to get along, and to cooperate to accomplish tasks.

Childhood is like an 18 year long episode of Survivor, except that you don’t get to vote off the most annoying sib each week.

Add to that the added pressure of trying to be mom and dad’s favorite, and why, exactly, do you expect them to get along? Just because they are supposed to love each other? Why? Because you told them to?

I have tried many methods over the years. I have changed methods as the kids grew up. I have sometimes adapted new methods every 5 minutes. Is there an actual solution?

Yep. As long as there’s no bloodshed and no one is unconscious, don’t get involved.

As annoying as bickering is, it actually has social utility. They are learning negotiating skills, They are learning that not every person they will ever meet will be willing to work with them. They are learning how to handle life. At your expense.

The unfortunate thing is that they won’t just keep it to themselves. They will bring it to you. Then you have to walk that very fine line, because anything you say can and will be used against the other sib in their mangled court of law. If that isn’t masochism, I’m not sure what is.

(This is where those noise-canceling headphones come in handy. Unfortunately, they tend to be tuned for the drone of airplanes, not the piquant pleadings of progeny. Maybe someday they will come out with a bickering-squelching version.)

I don’t recommend allowing physical contact. That’s a slippery slope. Physical abuse should be met with Draconian punishment. But verbal abuse can be highly useful.

Tell the kids they can hurl verbal rejoinders as much as they like. They cannot be foul, nor can they be merely insults. They must be inventive—puns, witty attacks, actual argumentative rebuttals.

The downside of this is that you become the verbal referee—what constitutes acceptable responses? (“Mom, he called me an obese swine. Is that an insult?”) The upside is that your children will develop an excellent, non-swearing vocabulary, and they will all be stars on the debate team in high school.

Will they develop a poor sense of self-esteem because you allowed them to hurl inventive invectives at each other? Nah. They’re going to do it anyway; trust me, there’s nothing you can do to stop them. But this way, they usually end up laughing together rather than in fisticuffs.

Anyone have a better solution? I’m open to suggestions.

Send this to the person bothering you today!