The Blissfully Domestic Valentine’s Post (wherein I prove that I’m not)

Ulf Hinze, stock.xchng.com

Ulf Hinze, stock.xchng.com

There’s this Valentine’s Day meme from Blissfully Domestic, in which you are supposed to write a post about how much you love your family and how much you love to be domestic, etc.

I do love my family. Most of the time. But they’re boys, so they aren’t into mushy stuff. I only have one who will still let me hug him.

I do know how to make cinnamon rolls. Mine aren’t as good as Grandma’s, though. But that’s okay. I don’t mind being inferior to my mom.

(My chicken soup isn’t as good as my mother’s-in-law, either, and that’s okay, too, because I don’t mind admitting that I missed out on nearly five thousand years of Jewish evolution. Besides, the kids need SOMETHING to complain about at the kitchen table, right?)

I do, however, make cinnamon rolls only rarely, nowadays, because they remind me that my parenting skills are and always will be sub-par.

How did I turn a loving, family-oriented, aromatic activity like baking into a domestic nightmare?

I was happily baking one Saturday morning. My husband was on rounds, as usual, and my kids were playing in the driveway. We had just gotten the little one, Stretch, who was around five at the time, on the bike with training wheels, and they were all having a blast tooling around the driveway, screaming at each other for swerving into the other’s path.

Ah, the joys of family life. But this isn’t why cinnamon rolls are best left to Grandma.

Eventually, Stretch toddled in and informed me that the Goth (who at this time was just a normal kid with average hair and no piercings AT ALL) had fallen off his bike and was DYING!

And, being the loving, concerned mother that I was, I answered in my usual way. “Sure he is. Tell him to come in and I’ll take a look at him.” ‘Cause how much damage can a kid do falling off a toddler-sized bike? Sheezsh.

Toddlers are always dying. Everything that happens in their little lives is disastrous. Every little cut, scrape or boo-boo demands the attention of the NIH. I was pretty famous with the school nurses for laughing when they called me to tell me that my kids had gotten scrapes on the playground. “Are they still bleeding? Is there anything broken? Did he lose consciousness?” If the answer to all three was no, they didn’t need to call me.

Stretch toddled back out and I calmly finished rolling out my cinnamon rolls and carefully laid them in the baking dish and nonchalantly put them in the oven.

Meanwhile, Stretch comes back in and says that the Goth can’t stand up, so he can’t come in and get Dr. Mommy to look at him. Dr. Mommy is going to have to make a driveway call.

You would think that alarm bells would be going off about now. Eventually, I got the rolls in the oven and made it out to the driveway, where my seven year old was sitting, crying, with a massively swollen leg.

Tib-fib spiral fracture. Commonly associated with child abuse.

I swear I wasn’t anywhere near him.

Turns out, Stretch had almost run him over, and he had run into the garage door to try to avoid him, and his leg got caught between the bike and the door when he fell.

We got to take a flying trip to the ER. Hubby met us at the door. I got to explain, at least a million times, how I was doing something FAMILY FRIENDLY when my kid got his lovely broken leg.

So there you have it. Cinnamon rolls have a strange association in my house. And to this day, the Goth won’t get on a bike. He will eat cinnamon rolls, but only the ones from Grandma.

Domestic enough for you?

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198 Comments

perfectly imperfect domestication – rock it!

[Reply]

It’s funny how we don’t care if we get food left on us when they want to give us a hug, because eventually they won’t want to give them out as often as they do when they are young.

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Oh no! I would have reacted the same way though!

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Oh my goodness! Your story is hilarious. I could so totally picture it. I also have all boys and on more than one occasion have ignored dramatic cries for help……only to find…yes, yes, he really is bleeding. oi vey! Thanks so much for the wonderful story telling.

Mary Beth’s last blog post..Light Italian Wedding Soup

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themother Replies:

Even the paranoid occasionally really are being followed.

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I have girls. The thing about my girls is they are always hurt, always whining, crying and screaming. The thing about me is I have no tolerance for whining, crying and screaming. I am also a huge fan of the suck-it-up club. So, I ignore whining like it doesn’t exist. I mostly ignore crying because I find that just as annoying. I have begun now to ignore screaming. Even the ‘help me god there really is a wolf’ screaming.

I have already had the ‘my tummy hurts’ blow-off that results in spewing in very public places and the ‘she really did hurt me this time’ blow-off that later is confirmed with a fucking chunk of eyeball material floating around under the eyelid.

I’m positive that one day there will be a broken bone. Probably I will make one of them walk around for a week, vacuum and put away the groceries with that broken or fractured bone before it gets the attention it needs. I’ve accepted that. CPS can bite me.

I say revel in your cinnamon rolls for their mere existence proves that you are rocking this Mommy Dearest gig.

AmyAnne’s last blog post..On Being a Contest Slut

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I love that you added in that a Tib Fib is commonly associated with child abuse. The nurses must have loved the explanation. LOL.

Well, I can safely say, without any reservation, that I would have done the same exact thing. Not that it matters… but it’s great to see other not so perfect moms shouting out their fabulous stories.

Sugar Jones’s last blog post..Love Is In The Air… or something corny like that

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