Pregnancy Rots Your Brain

The hormones of pregnancy, I discovered, kick in very fast. I know this, because seconds after announcing that I was, indeed, pregnant, I became a complete imbecile. While moments before, I was a smart, competent professional, my husband now knew that I needed him to take care of me. I was unable to make even the smallest decision without his input.

It isn’t really his fault. The testosterone that runs the male brain starts screaming, “protect.” Feminism runs headlong into ten thousand years of social and biological evolution, and loses, every time.

While I had been slogging to my car after hours in the medical center for years, I was now chastised to get security to escort me. I was not allowed to climb a ladder; even the temperature of my bathwater was under immediate scrutiny.

That was when I knew that my life had irrevocably changed.

We know, when we decide to have children, that the little one is going to need constant attention. We accept that it will be many years before we can go to the bathroom or talk on the phone uninterrupted. We willingly allow our bodies to be shared by the tiny parasite that has taken up residence.

We don’t realize how much the outside world’s perception of us changes, or how intrusive that is to our lives.

Mothers-in-law, for instance.

Expectant mothers-in-law are a problem. I don’t recommend them. Yet, sadly, short of marrying a man raised by wolves (which has its own drawbacks) or one over the age of 60, there isn’t a foolproof way to avoid them.

Mothers-in-law are wonderful sources for misinformation, old wives’ tales (where do you think they get their name?) unsolicited advice and pregnancy horror stories.

If this is her first grandchild, she will likely be in mourning for at least the first few months. While she is sitting shiva, you should have some space.

But once she buries her youthful pride, she will suddenly remember her sacred trust as a mother-in-law—to pepper you with advice. She has children. She has done this before. She knows everything. In contrast, you know nothing. You are fairly sure that you don’t need to hold the baby upside down for ten minutes after bathing him, but what do you know?

Unfortunately, if this is your first child, it’s true. If this is your second child, and your mother-in-law is still alive, you have obviously solved your problem, so you may skip ahead.

Your husband’s mother raised him. You have to ask yourself one very important question—how did he turn out? No husband is perfect. No matter how much you love him, there are always those little things that annoy the hell out of you. Some of that may be much worse during pregnancy, but we’ll get to that in a minute. In the meantime, take a look at those idiosyncrasies. Odds are you can see his mother in them somewhere.

Once you realize that her handiwork isn’t so perfect, it’s a little easier to ignore her advice.
Unfortunately, ignore is pretty much all there is. Starting a war with the mother-in-law before the baby is born is a bad idea. There are going to be much bigger battles later, when it really matters. Nod a lot, pretend you’re listening, and remember the best of them for cocktail party fodder.

Husbands, however, you have to live with. The overprotectiveness may seem cute at first, but if you are a real loner, it wears thin, quickly. It’s really another version of barefoot and pregnant. Cave man instincts aren’t cute; they’re misogynistic.

Reminding him that Queen Victoria, Cleopatra and Catherine the Great all ran countries, effectively, while they were pregnant, and that Boudicca is rumored to have led an army on a war chariot great with child, won’t help.

You can’t argue with hormones. If you start a fight, he’ll just sulk. Besides, he is dealing with other issues—you might have to give him some slack.

Your body used to be his playground. Chances are, he had just gotten it all figured out by the time you messed it all up by getting pregnant. He’s confused, and on top of that, he’s sharing you with a parasite. Granted, he may want that parasite as much as you do, but he’s still going to resent it.
Your best defense is to divert attention. Being pregnant is like having a free boob job. That should take his mind off his problems, at least until the basketball is completely unwieldy.

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Related posts:

  1. Sunday Rehash–Pregnancy Rots Your Brain
  2. Don’t Tell Me Your Pregnancy Horror Stories!
  3. Don’t Tell Me Your Pregnancy Horror Stories! (Sunday Rehash)
  4. The Secret to Losing that Pregnancy Weight
  5. Pregnant Busybodies-Sunday Rehash

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118 Comments

Hiya, handbook mom. Just found you and saw that you blogrolled me. TWow. Thanks so much. I still haven’t figured out how to do that on my own blog.

Wanted to let you know that I might have a tip or two for moms-to-be who are having miscarriage problems (a/ka/ going through hell). I have a random protein deficiency in my blood (antithrombin) that causes me to clot, basically on demand. Am learning that other moms have deficiencies, too, like Factor V Leiden, etc. and they have to take Lovenox (I have tips for that, too). Please let me know if I can be of help to this group of moms. And thanks for adding me to your blogroll.

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P.S. — me again. I totally had goodbye-brain-syndrome. When I was pg my husband said, “let’s have beef stroganoff for dinner tonight.” “God. no!” I said. “Beef stroganoff is way too threatening!” (of course I meant to say “fattening,” not threatening).

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Another confused testosterone producer

Tuesday, 20th January 2009 at 11:02 pm
 

OK… answer me this. If pregnancy so savages the rational reasoning processes of the female brain.. and assuming that this should be considered a bad thing… why exactly did you go back to the all-you-can-eat baby bar for a second, a third, and even, God help you, a fourth helping??

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themother Replies:

I think your testosterone laden brain is missing the basic point. It’s not US who have the problem. It’s everyone around us, especially those pesky things with testosterone that we call husbands.

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